The reason why I'm so cynical (a post..I've never put up)

I wrote this post about a year ago..I'm unsure why I didnt put it up. At the time I honestly lost my heart and slightly became a heartless, broken woman. I felt bitter and alone..but almost right after I wrote this I woke myself again..I believed I most love myself before one can love me..

So enjoy! LOL 


I honestly don't believe in love any more.
Too many times I've been hurt..I've told a guy how I felt..and well scare the shit out of them..have them take advantage of my body and heart..having to believe..no hope that we'll eventually be a couple..like how I see people run around with their other halfs..but be left broken..but once I put myself together..the more cynical I become..

Fuck this thing called feelings..Fuck liking someone..Fuck love...

I had a guy at one point in my life..treat me like a GF couple times only to have him run back to his ex..come back the 3rd to try to win me back..by that time I've become cynical..Fuck getting hurt again by the same guy..only to hear that he might go back for her..Lord knows how many times..now I'm starting to think that being cynical saved my ass from getting hurt but I was wrong..I didnt protect my heart from another guy..to only be tossed aside..Ah yes, Shana. You are quite the stupid, naive girl..thinking this guy is different..but nope..heart broken again..

In the midst of my heart getting crushed again..my friends..co-workers..walk pass me with their loves..smiling..not realizing that I'm trying to reach out to them..yet no one notices my out reached hand..tears running down my face..I yell to grab their attention but no avail..

So in this world full of people..everybody has somebody..where as me..

I'm alone..

and I don't fucking care anymore..

I'm taking my heart and burying it somewhere..

Somewhere...where no one can find it..

Not even me..

Just stuck

Feeling a little off as of late. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
A decision placed for me that could seem so small..but have such a big effect on one's life.

I'm speaking in riddles like a sphinx.
I'm hiding some of myself like a hermit crab.

I dunno what to do. I seem happy and strong but on the inside I'm dealing with sadness and the uncertainty of the outcome of my life.



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A slight pain in my heart

Well..lets just say..it's been one crazy week..I'm still in some shock about my great grandma passing..but I'm happy that she's not suffering anymore..

I miss her tremendously and always will..

I honestly suck at writing meaningful words..but I think no words can describe the pain I have..

Rest in Love Grammy!

I'll love you always..

It's been awhile

It's been a long while.. I've been working allot but also going to the beach.
I just recently had a photo meet up with my good friend!  Here's one of the photos.

I'll write some more later.

Until then

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song of the day..or well..awhile LOL

This is song has been stuck in my head for a long time..but I love it..

Nothing more than strangers passing by, out on the street
Memories are fading though it's only been a week
All the little things are gone, the things we used to be
Nobody could take us down, there was only you and me

The Perfect package????

feeling: Slightly confused

Well..for awhile now..more like for a year now..people have been asking about my love life and when I'm gonna find a BF, Get married, have kids..etc. etc. 

And when I tell them..well..I do like someone and we've been hanging out..its like go ahead and say" WHAT? HE DON'T WANT YOU TO BE HIS GF?? IS HE BLIND??" I just shrug and mumble "ohhh..i dunno...."

Not to mention..a good amount of family, friends alike like to say to me..I'm gonna put it in a list..LOL That:

-You're so beautiful/pretty why can't you find a BF? 

(Cause I'm not looking! gunfunit!)

-You're so mellow and not a jealous girl

(shrug)

-You're fun and you can hang out with the guys..you're like a tomboy but you still look like a girl

(shrug..beats me! LOL)

-You have such a great body!

(Thanks! Pizza diet! LOL)

The list can go on..but this girl can't remember all that was said to me..but these are the most..and the whole pretty part..does boost my ego a bit..but makes me question it too! LOL But I tell them..that they just saying that because they're my friends and family..but they apparently speak the truth not trying to make me feel better! LOL

But with that being said I do like someone..and lately I feel like Chuck from Good luck Chuck. Every guy I get involved with..they end up finding the girl they wanna settle down with..after me..LOL 

LOL..but I'll carry on..everything happens for a reason..and here's me with no make up being silly..

Oh yea, girl! thats how you get them! LOL

 

Beach Beach..from last, last monday! LOL

I've been so busy with this past week..I wasnt able to post up when I went to the beach with Isaac last, last monday..Holy Shit..talk about slacking!

We went to Barber's Point/ White Plains..cause he wanted to surf..I honestly haven't gone to this beach in ages..cause well..for one its out of the way for me (North Shore is super close to me..about 20 mins away) and it's filled with military guys and the beach is kinda ugly! 

But he got to chose plus he said the waves were good..and so we went..LOL

 To be honest..It was very weird for me to watch him surf..(even though he didn't want me to watch him) I'm used to watching my dad surf or boogieboard but I watched for a bit..

So I just tanned and swam as he surfed..just like the seals! Which was pretty cool to see.

 He then made trouble to the birds..and tried to catch them..LOL
It was a good beach day..

I got my days mixed up at first I though it was this past week but then I remembered I went with my friend Sony to Ala Moana Beach last week..and I didnt get to take pics..since it was a short trip..LOL
 

Loyalty is rare

I'm noticing a pattern..
In this day and age..it seems to be no surprise that..that in no matter how many relationships..there always is one that might have broken a soul or a trust for anybody else..I personally know at least a handful of my friends who have cheated or been cheated on.

LOYALTY is RARE! 

It's hard to find a person in this world..whom you know wont cheat on you. I know I'm not the most innocent but I know my loyalty and if I know I betrayed it in anyway..I'll leave and punish myself..

But believe me when I say I'm a loyal person. It takes a strong person to be loyal and not..lets just say..let an ex..or numerous guys fuck me! I'm a one guy kind of girl..even if I'm just seeing/hanging out/dating/BF&GF you..I'll stay true and wont be with anybody else..and that's honestly my choice..I like you for a reason. LOL THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO CHEAT! 

I remember at one time an ex and his gf at the time was accusing me of wanting to cheat with him while my bf was deployed..a bunch a bull fuckery if you ask me..all I wanted was to be friends at the time..and my bf knew what was going on..and unlike most girls when their other half is deployed..I stayed true and stuck it through..like I said I know my loyalty and I'm not trying to sound like I'm boosting because like I said I, too am not a perfect person. 

SORRY..I just wanted to vent..I feel like these people are damaging great people..who are now too afraid to let someone love them because of a betrayal that happened to them..

LOL Yea..and this song..is hella catchy! LOL

the O-turn

*Looking at the U-turn sign* "Is there such thing as a O-turn?" "Yea...for stupid people!" 

Now every time I see a U-turn sign..I think of one of many strange but funny convos I've had with this certain fellow! LOL

 "Hey! You wanna go somewhere else other than here?" "Like where?" "Hmm..lets go to the beach!" "At night?" LOL

post it notes..from my heart

I did something I don't ever do..I left a post it note hidden amongst the pages of a notebook..
With how confusing you are..
How you're grouchy and then sweet the next..
A post it confession..

I'm taking a chance...will you with me?

Not a bad thing...

Today was one eventful day..

It first started out as a normal day..Me hiding that I've been feeling cynical for the past 3 weeks..questioning about life and love..why we have feelings for someone and have the possibility of getting hurt or loved..How many times do we get hurt till we find someone to heal our wounds..

My co-worker and I were talking..she then remembered and said to me " Oh my God. Shana. There's a song that reminded me of you." I asked her what the song was called and then downloaded it right away..figured I'd listen to it later..

After listening and watching the video..It gave me hope..being cynical or jaded is because I started not to believe in love anymore especially in this world we live in..because we all get hurt all in this search for love..but we all deserve love..it's the chance we take in this life..

I may not have a BF and people may have broken my heart many times but if you keep on living and loving..Love will find you..

You just have to have faith..

Because LOVE is LIFE..

And Everything happens for a reason! 

I know people make promises all the time
Then they turn right around and break them
When someone

cuts your heart open with a knife, and you're bleeding
But I could be that guy to heal it over time
And I won’t stop until you believe it
'Cause baby you’re worth it

 

 No I won’t fill your mind
With broken promises and wasted time
And if you fall, you’ll always land right in these arms
These arms of mine

I always say...

Everything happens for a reason..good or bad..

Life is like the ocean..unpredictable..at one moment the ocean is calm..then the next..waves bigger than ever can appear..

All you have to learn is to keep on swimming..in the calm or the waves..

Can I wade your water..till I catch your wave?

I've been called a mermaid numerous times..especially more in my adult life..I'm very fortunate to have been born and raised in Hawaii. To have the ocean always be a part of my life. I'm tied to the ocean..to swim in the waters..to feel the sun shine down on me..it washes away my worries and problems..

One day I'll have to leave..but Hawaii..is always my home.

Right by my side

A song that's been stuck in my head for a bit..LOL

 It all comes down to this
I miss your morning kiss
I won’t lie, I’m feeling it
You don’t know, I’m missing it
I’m so dumb, I must admit
It’s too much to hold it in
I can’t say no more than this
I just hope your heart hear me now
Gotta let you know how I’m feeling
You own my heart, he just renting (P.S. no one is renting! LOL)
Don’t turn away, pay attention
I’m pouring out my heart oh, boy

Slightly off..and to be honest

Feeling: Slightly off



Lately I've been feeling slightly odd..a little more negative than normal..being a tad bit more sensitive..and quite honestly more vulnerable..


Its been one interesting weekend..and I've been so distracted with the chaos around me..I've forgotten how to look within myself to re-find my center..

I need to be alone..
I need time to myself..
and not worry about other people...

I do miss someone at the moment..

I do think about him quite often..I wonder if he thinks of me when he has the chance..A part of me wishes there wasn't this much distance..but I'm honestly somewhat used to it..if I did it before..I can definitely do it again..but it makes me wonder..What brought on this distance? 

Plus he doesnt need to worry about me hurting him..I'm not that kind of girl who plays games with your heart..

If I choose to like you..I chose you for a reason.

And right now I wish I was at the beach..but the weather sucks! 

 

If you just realize..what I just realized..LOL

Song ATM

This song is pretty old..but I love Colbie Caillat's voice..& this song is sweet..

If you just realize what I just realized...

The chase

Sometimes one wants the chase..To chase something elusive like a sunset..Never to possibly obtained..

I personally love this picture for many reasons..I was very fortunate to capture it and have it come out the way it did..I wish I could have a beach day like this again..It was such a fun adventure.

The little things..

The little things are what keeping me afloat..
I honestly feel like drowning in this chaos..
To break down at any given second..
But remembering the little things..happy things that are keeping me afloat..

I need the beach, the ocean more than anything right now..

A hug from a certain someone would be awesome too..but I'm wondering..at what price?

Don't let the darkness consume me..

Feeling: somewhat deep..

As of late I've been feeling very negative..kind of like a slow chaotic storm..all in my mind...some people would pay to see me like this..but whatevs..I dont quite care right now..

Normally it takes quite a bit for me to get to this state..and I'm not saying I have every right to act as such..I try to keep these things to a min..but there's some things you can't escape..

I just have to remember..

 That everything happens for a reason.

The song ATM

Lots of Krewella lately..but when I first heard this song through a friend..it really stuck with me..cause we are only human. We can only handle so much. Some people can handle a little where as others can handle allot. 

I'm going through some things at the moment...family and what not. People dying..people ignoring..people not being there..and how scary it can be to tell someone how you feel and see whats gonna happen next..
But one has to remember that everything happens for a reason..
people are dying everyday..but God will release them from their pain..
people ignoring..they may be going through their own thing..and if they dont care about you..well..time to move on!
people not being there..same thing..people may have their own problems..but if they are doing it on purpose..then they arent your real friends..
The scariness of telling someone how you feel and what the outcome may be..at least you were honest with how you felt..instead of hiding it..everything happens for a reason..if it happens, it happens..if not..then thats ok..at least you laid the cards on the table.

 
 I am only human.