One my secrets inside my cynical heart

I'm gonna share one my secrets that I hide in this cynical heart of mine.

One of my fears is that the one I fall in love with will get tired of me and leave.

That's always been one of my fears. Even when I was going through my dating phase. I'm afraid that special someone will became another one on my list.
Will you be like one who led me on..and just hide and lie to me till this very day..
Or the one who kept breaking my heart with he'd go back to the past but in the rare case..we are still friends..
Or the one who broke my heart the most..who just stopped talking to me altogether with no reason why..
Or the others who only want my body..not my heart or soul..


With all that heartbreak I've turned cynical. You can say I'm stupid but sadly at the moment I believed. Even now when I'm thinking I'm ready if you pack up and leave..I'll be OK.

But that's when this fear creeps in..and I cry that you'll be just like the rest and prove to me once again..there's no such thing as love.

I'm 26....EDITED 06/15/2014

I'm 26 today and I honestly feel sad..Don't get me wrong..I'm lucky..no blessed to have awesome people in my life..

 My co-workers surprised me with presents, pizza, party hat, and a cake..They made me feel so loved..but there's only one thing in my mind at the moment..

I should've learned my lesson the last time..when I got my heart broken 2 times since I've turned 25..but I don't..and I'm stupid..I wasn't even asking to have a relationship with this certain guy but I guess I gave that vibe?? Who knows..but he's definitely hurt me more than the other 2 boys..I even gave him souvenirs from my trip to CO..and I came back yesterday..still jet lagged drove to his house last night..and just put it in his mailbox..thinking maybe we'll be able to hang out soon for my birthday tomorrow..I get a message after I leave..also saying thanks..but also saying he's busy this weekend..but that's honestly too selfish for me to expect something out of this guy..

[[EDIT: Man, I must be getting old! 2 guys within this past year..year as in between now and when I turned 25! LOL I was reading this confused..and wondering what I was talking about..

Please keep in mind..I wrote this blog when I was upset..and wasn't thinking too clearly..]]

But that's what has been on my mind..
Yup. 26 years old today. And I'm stupid. I'm stupid! Sorry heart..You're broken again..

  So let's try learn this time around..it seems like you're doing it wrong..

post it notes..from my heart

I did something I don't ever do..I left a post it note hidden amongst the pages of a notebook..
With how confusing you are..
How you're grouchy and then sweet the next..
A post it confession..

I'm taking a chance...will you with me?

Right by my side

A song that's been stuck in my head for a bit..LOL

 It all comes down to this
I miss your morning kiss
I won’t lie, I’m feeling it
You don’t know, I’m missing it
I’m so dumb, I must admit
It’s too much to hold it in
I can’t say no more than this
I just hope your heart hear me now
Gotta let you know how I’m feeling
You own my heart, he just renting (P.S. no one is renting! LOL)
Don’t turn away, pay attention
I’m pouring out my heart oh, boy

Bed Peace

As I lay in bed slightly awake. Groggy..and pretty pissed..A friend called me early in the morning..awaking me from my slumber..Close to my wits end..the convo ends..and I attempt to go back to sleep..
I toss. I turn..Annoyed even more..I let out a frustrated groan. 

FUCK! 

Once I calm down..Take in a deep breath and sighed..I start to think and wonder..Hmm..Why can I sleep? I turn my body to the side.. a slight memory of being in a nest of blanket and pillow..and a strangely super warm body and his arm right above my head..A dark, quiet room..yet a bit of chaos is happening outside of it..A girl singing loudly..roosters crowing..an aunty yelling at somebody..I smiled..and remembered I've slept so deeply there in that bed..and that's rare! 

"I wish we were able to trade things like sleep! So you can sleep for me..and I can work all day and night.""I wouldn't mind..as long as I can sleep in your bed."

Slightly off..and to be honest

Feeling: Slightly off



Lately I've been feeling slightly odd..a little more negative than normal..being a tad bit more sensitive..and quite honestly more vulnerable..


Its been one interesting weekend..and I've been so distracted with the chaos around me..I've forgotten how to look within myself to re-find my center..

I need to be alone..
I need time to myself..
and not worry about other people...

I do miss someone at the moment..

I do think about him quite often..I wonder if he thinks of me when he has the chance..A part of me wishes there wasn't this much distance..but I'm honestly somewhat used to it..if I did it before..I can definitely do it again..but it makes me wonder..What brought on this distance? 

Plus he doesnt need to worry about me hurting him..I'm not that kind of girl who plays games with your heart..

If I choose to like you..I chose you for a reason.

And right now I wish I was at the beach..but the weather sucks! 

 

Good morning

Feeling: TBH

I wish I could stay in the bed..all day..but sadly I cant..I had an awesome sleep..the night before I only had about 3-4 hours of sleep..So when I got home I crashed out once I laid down in my bed..but I did wake up at 3 in the morning..unsure why but its been a weird habit for me lately..

"If I could I would dream forever..if thats the only way for me to see you..Let me dream forever."

The little things..

The little things are what keeping me afloat..
I honestly feel like drowning in this chaos..
To break down at any given second..
But remembering the little things..happy things that are keeping me afloat..

I need the beach, the ocean more than anything right now..

A hug from a certain someone would be awesome too..but I'm wondering..at what price?

The song ATM

Lots of Krewella lately..but when I first heard this song through a friend..it really stuck with me..cause we are only human. We can only handle so much. Some people can handle a little where as others can handle allot. 

I'm going through some things at the moment...family and what not. People dying..people ignoring..people not being there..and how scary it can be to tell someone how you feel and see whats gonna happen next..
But one has to remember that everything happens for a reason..
people are dying everyday..but God will release them from their pain..
people ignoring..they may be going through their own thing..and if they dont care about you..well..time to move on!
people not being there..same thing..people may have their own problems..but if they are doing it on purpose..then they arent your real friends..
The scariness of telling someone how you feel and what the outcome may be..at least you were honest with how you felt..instead of hiding it..everything happens for a reason..if it happens, it happens..if not..then thats ok..at least you laid the cards on the table.

 
 I am only human.
 

Dear no one..

feeling: Hmmmm..

I've known this song for awhile now..my sister introduced this song saying that this song is me..I love singing it in my car..LOL
 

♥ ♥ I love this version..

you could be my it boy
もう悲しい恋
繰り返したくない
夢見た "it boy"
新しい恋
上手く行かせたい
そばに居て all night long
いつまでも抱きしめていたい
夢見た "it boy"
you're my biggest hit boy
let me play it loud, let me play it loud like

好きだ...I'm just not saying who..but I'm sure he knows..LOL 

Lately I been, I been losing sleep...

Dreaming about the things that we could be