The reason why I'm so cynical (a post..I've never put up)

I wrote this post about a year ago..I'm unsure why I didnt put it up. At the time I honestly lost my heart and slightly became a heartless, broken woman. I felt bitter and alone..but almost right after I wrote this I woke myself again..I believed I most love myself before one can love me..

So enjoy! LOL 


I honestly don't believe in love any more.
Too many times I've been hurt..I've told a guy how I felt..and well scare the shit out of them..have them take advantage of my body and heart..having to believe..no hope that we'll eventually be a couple..like how I see people run around with their other halfs..but be left broken..but once I put myself together..the more cynical I become..

Fuck this thing called feelings..Fuck liking someone..Fuck love...

I had a guy at one point in my life..treat me like a GF couple times only to have him run back to his ex..come back the 3rd to try to win me back..by that time I've become cynical..Fuck getting hurt again by the same guy..only to hear that he might go back for her..Lord knows how many times..now I'm starting to think that being cynical saved my ass from getting hurt but I was wrong..I didnt protect my heart from another guy..to only be tossed aside..Ah yes, Shana. You are quite the stupid, naive girl..thinking this guy is different..but nope..heart broken again..

In the midst of my heart getting crushed again..my friends..co-workers..walk pass me with their loves..smiling..not realizing that I'm trying to reach out to them..yet no one notices my out reached hand..tears running down my face..I yell to grab their attention but no avail..

So in this world full of people..everybody has somebody..where as me..

I'm alone..

and I don't fucking care anymore..

I'm taking my heart and burying it somewhere..

Somewhere...where no one can find it..

Not even me..

I'm 26....EDITED 06/15/2014

I'm 26 today and I honestly feel sad..Don't get me wrong..I'm lucky..no blessed to have awesome people in my life..

 My co-workers surprised me with presents, pizza, party hat, and a cake..They made me feel so loved..but there's only one thing in my mind at the moment..

I should've learned my lesson the last time..when I got my heart broken 2 times since I've turned 25..but I don't..and I'm stupid..I wasn't even asking to have a relationship with this certain guy but I guess I gave that vibe?? Who knows..but he's definitely hurt me more than the other 2 boys..I even gave him souvenirs from my trip to CO..and I came back yesterday..still jet lagged drove to his house last night..and just put it in his mailbox..thinking maybe we'll be able to hang out soon for my birthday tomorrow..I get a message after I leave..also saying thanks..but also saying he's busy this weekend..but that's honestly too selfish for me to expect something out of this guy..

[[EDIT: Man, I must be getting old! 2 guys within this past year..year as in between now and when I turned 25! LOL I was reading this confused..and wondering what I was talking about..

Please keep in mind..I wrote this blog when I was upset..and wasn't thinking too clearly..]]

But that's what has been on my mind..
Yup. 26 years old today. And I'm stupid. I'm stupid! Sorry heart..You're broken again..

  So let's try learn this time around..it seems like you're doing it wrong..