The reason why I'm so cynical (a post..I've never put up)

I wrote this post about a year ago..I'm unsure why I didnt put it up. At the time I honestly lost my heart and slightly became a heartless, broken woman. I felt bitter and alone..but almost right after I wrote this I woke myself again..I believed I most love myself before one can love me..

So enjoy! LOL 


I honestly don't believe in love any more.
Too many times I've been hurt..I've told a guy how I felt..and well scare the shit out of them..have them take advantage of my body and heart..having to believe..no hope that we'll eventually be a couple..like how I see people run around with their other halfs..but be left broken..but once I put myself together..the more cynical I become..

Fuck this thing called feelings..Fuck liking someone..Fuck love...

I had a guy at one point in my life..treat me like a GF couple times only to have him run back to his ex..come back the 3rd to try to win me back..by that time I've become cynical..Fuck getting hurt again by the same guy..only to hear that he might go back for her..Lord knows how many times..now I'm starting to think that being cynical saved my ass from getting hurt but I was wrong..I didnt protect my heart from another guy..to only be tossed aside..Ah yes, Shana. You are quite the stupid, naive girl..thinking this guy is different..but nope..heart broken again..

In the midst of my heart getting crushed again..my friends..co-workers..walk pass me with their loves..smiling..not realizing that I'm trying to reach out to them..yet no one notices my out reached hand..tears running down my face..I yell to grab their attention but no avail..

So in this world full of people..everybody has somebody..where as me..

I'm alone..

and I don't fucking care anymore..

I'm taking my heart and burying it somewhere..

Somewhere...where no one can find it..

Not even me..

hey hey!

It's been awhile..

I've been busy with work..and just hanging out with my friends..

Amongst other  things..

 These two was taken back in July..I did a photoshoot with one of my good friends on IG ( asian_impressions) I've been following him since I started IG same for him as well..he's such an artist. The Pics came out so pretty. I'll have to put it up some time later..LOL

 Snapchat shenanigans! LOL

 Then it was exploring the north shore with a good friend of mine..

 Also went hiking Waianae side..they came out funny looking cause of the camera setting on my phone.LOL

 Isn't the view beautiful?

 Also got some visits from an old friend and of course..my chub chubs!

Sorry I havent been on for so long..I'm still hit by the passing of my grammy but as you can see..I'm taking it day by day!

Getting fit

Why hello there! Nothing like talking about getting healthy yet here's a nice ice cream cone! LOL


I've honestly never really wrote a blog about my weight but lately it's been on mind..so I've decided to share!

About this time last year..I can honestly say I weighted almost 130 lbs..and I'm not that tall only 5'3..

To be honest..I'm unsure what made me more motivated to work out I guess..i had this pent up emotion after New Years..LOL..In a way it was a good thing..I went down to about 117..Honestly I didn't notice till some friend's pointed it out..I used to work out everyday for 2 hours and I still (I felt) looked the same..that is until I started eating healthier with more veggies and allot less..

To be honest..It's been years since I've had abs..the last time I had them was when I was in H.S. when I used to do ColorGuard and Judo..so its nice to see it peek out..It's been hard to get them where they are now since abs are made in the gym but shown in the kitchen! It's all in what you eat! Isaac has great abs but it's because he's naturally skinny..which in my eyes are allot to easier get abs..where as for me..cause I'm more fat! LOL I need to watch what I eat in order for them to show (even if its kinda small)! LOL 

The first 2 pics are my progression of my abs..I know it's not much but hey..they're there! LOL..and this pic here is what it looks like now!

Now don't get the wrong idea..of the reason why I started working out..I do like looking nice in a bikini and whatnot..but it's honestly about being healthy..and I have every intention of living as long as I can..but what that being said..I don't always eat like a rabbit..To begin with I'm a picky eater..and I dont eat lots of red meat because since I was small I preferred chicken but man..If you put a pizza in front of me..I will eat it! LOL


With that being said..there's nothing wrong eating what you want but in moderation and not too much sweets or salt..I'm also not saying to follow what I do either! This is my journey to being healthy.

So everyday I TRY to work out at least an hour concentrating on abs, ass, and arms..LOL 3 A's..I mainly drink water..but I do need at least 2 servings of coffee or else I get kinda mean! LOL 

I'm unsure on how to end this blog..other than I'm off to eat pizza..then probably after that..I'm gonna work out

BYE~

A year in snapchats thus far

LOL..now one might be thinking why I
only made half a year in snapchats..cause honestly my video app loves to have it stick to 5 mins..

I've
had snapchat for about 2 years now..and I've had some snaps back when I
first got the app..but I wanted to start it from the beginning of this
year..you'll see mainly my nephew Blaze..and me on my adventures to the
beach and other places..These are memories to me..to help me remember
that sometimes when one is sad..there's always a reason to smile and you
were happy at one point or another..

It's kinda strange...

I find it slightly weird that ever since I've came back from Colorado..My passion to move..to have a place of my own has grown.

I'm honestly excited for the next step in my life..

and I've been looking at furniture and tools to help when I make that jump..

 This isn't the exact set I want..I actually really liked the one my grandma had cause I was able to change the bit and it had a counter and clockwise thing that if you click the top portion it'll turn only one way..kinda like a ratchet..LOL

Lantern ceremony 2014

It was honestly my first time going to the lantern ceremony..and it was an awesome idea my dongsaeng had..

(FYI dongsaeng practically means younger brother in korean..and we aren't in any way romantically involved with eachother)

I wanted to put that out there..it seems like people be assuming that he's my bf..LOL..hes my little brother from another mother! LOL 

 It was a great experience! Granted it was very crowded but it was worth it.

The lanterns were so pretty..I wish I could've stayed till the dark..
Can't wait till next week..hehehehe

song of the day..or well..awhile LOL

This is song has been stuck in my head for a long time..but I love it..

Nothing more than strangers passing by, out on the street
Memories are fading though it's only been a week
All the little things are gone, the things we used to be
Nobody could take us down, there was only you and me

Not a bad thing...

Today was one eventful day..

It first started out as a normal day..Me hiding that I've been feeling cynical for the past 3 weeks..questioning about life and love..why we have feelings for someone and have the possibility of getting hurt or loved..How many times do we get hurt till we find someone to heal our wounds..

My co-worker and I were talking..she then remembered and said to me " Oh my God. Shana. There's a song that reminded me of you." I asked her what the song was called and then downloaded it right away..figured I'd listen to it later..

After listening and watching the video..It gave me hope..being cynical or jaded is because I started not to believe in love anymore especially in this world we live in..because we all get hurt all in this search for love..but we all deserve love..it's the chance we take in this life..

I may not have a BF and people may have broken my heart many times but if you keep on living and loving..Love will find you..

You just have to have faith..

Because LOVE is LIFE..

And Everything happens for a reason! 

I know people make promises all the time
Then they turn right around and break them
When someone

cuts your heart open with a knife, and you're bleeding
But I could be that guy to heal it over time
And I won’t stop until you believe it
'Cause baby you’re worth it

 

 No I won’t fill your mind
With broken promises and wasted time
And if you fall, you’ll always land right in these arms
These arms of mine

I always say...

Everything happens for a reason..good or bad..

Life is like the ocean..unpredictable..at one moment the ocean is calm..then the next..waves bigger than ever can appear..

All you have to learn is to keep on swimming..in the calm or the waves..

Can I wade your water..till I catch your wave?

I've been called a mermaid numerous times..especially more in my adult life..I'm very fortunate to have been born and raised in Hawaii. To have the ocean always be a part of my life. I'm tied to the ocean..to swim in the waters..to feel the sun shine down on me..it washes away my worries and problems..

One day I'll have to leave..but Hawaii..is always my home.

The song ATM

Lots of Krewella lately..but when I first heard this song through a friend..it really stuck with me..cause we are only human. We can only handle so much. Some people can handle a little where as others can handle allot. 

I'm going through some things at the moment...family and what not. People dying..people ignoring..people not being there..and how scary it can be to tell someone how you feel and see whats gonna happen next..
But one has to remember that everything happens for a reason..
people are dying everyday..but God will release them from their pain..
people ignoring..they may be going through their own thing..and if they dont care about you..well..time to move on!
people not being there..same thing..people may have their own problems..but if they are doing it on purpose..then they arent your real friends..
The scariness of telling someone how you feel and what the outcome may be..at least you were honest with how you felt..instead of hiding it..everything happens for a reason..if it happens, it happens..if not..then thats ok..at least you laid the cards on the table.

 
 I am only human.
 

Enjoy the ride~

This song has been on repeat for weeks. LOL Listening to the lyrics..this is how I want to think everyday! 

If nothing comes easy as long as we're breathing
We'll go all the way or go home

'Cause if it's fast or slow
All I really know is I'm gonna enjoy the ride
And if it's hard or soft before we get off
I'm gonna enjoy the ride, enjoy the ride

Cause you should enjoy the ride..called life!



I want to think I cant believe I did or say that instead of I wish I did or say that! Live your life with no regrets!

Where I long to be..

From the mountains to the sea..
The North Shore is where I long be..
Where I can run wild and free..
The ocean is where I long to be..
If you open your heart..you will soon see..
That your soul isn't stuck like a tree..
But free..
deep, open, raging like the sea..
While others may run and flee..
I'll be by your side..just you and me..
you and me..
The ocean is where we long to be..

The return to the ocean..The pirate queen of the north.

Feeling: In the right place..

Today was an awesome day. It was a much needed day of an adventure. The funny thing is it was a last minute adventure. My friend Cencia wanted to go to the beach early in the morning..and she told me this at 9:30 pm ir maybe it was 10. LOL either way..we both went to sleep late but made an early journey to the north..and when I say early it was 7 am in the morning when she came to get me. 

Our first place (other than 711) was The Birthing stones..

 

It was a very peaceful place..although the next pics you're gonna see are quite questionable. LOL 

 If you look at all these pics..there's a greenish orb in it. Now at first I thought it was part of my lens from my camera but with the first pic you actually see part of the lens glare but the orb is in it. Also the orb moves.

Now this has given some friends and my family some "chicken-skin" Look at my hand in the first 2 pics ..if you look at the largest and last pic there's something hiding my hand. At first I honestly thought It was the glare but it isnt..but thats up to you to figure out what that could possibly be touching my hand!

We then preceded to 3 tables..North shore

Ohh..the sea how I missed you so!

 My friend Cencia leading the way.

The view

The pirate queen has returned to her domain

Then off we went to a beach in Kahuku..

  

We then drove back toward Mililani and she bought some coconuts! FYI That's one of my fave drinks..fresh, ice cold coconut water! Its the best and its good for you!

 We then took the scenic route back home..

  and of course we took pics here was well! LOL

 

Today like I said was a much needed day. The ocean is really calming to me and lets just say I've been needing it but I kept on putting it off. Just to smell the salty air..hear the waves..feel the sand and sea on my skin it brought me back. 

Talking with my friend she was saying..We are water babies..almost everyone who was born here is one.

We are tied to the ocean. Granted one can think that I can go to any beach and feel the same. It's similar but not the same. For example, I took my former friend to Waikiki beach at night. It was fun and somewhat calming. Had the smell of salt, sand and the ocean. Town has nice beaches but my heart, my soul belongs in the North shore. I was raised on the beaches of North shore. It has a different feel for me. 

So with that being said..I'm feeling renewed. 

Clarity. Peaceful and Happy! LOL

-Hard, sharp rocks poke at her feet as she climbs toward the ledge. She smells the salty air and closes her eyes and murmurs " I am home." Hands grasp the wet, cold rock pulling herself up and up to the ledge. She gazes out onto the horizon. A blanket of shades of blue and caps of white. The sounds of waves crashing into the rocks. This is my home. This is my soul. This is my domain. She thought as a smirk shows on her face. She climbs down with grace and walks onto the sand..walking toward the ocean..letting the water raise up to her legs. Touching the water with her finger tips. The sea is calling to her soul. Calming it with each wave that touches her. She grasps a locket she has around her neck. Like a reminder of the hurt and sadness. The reason..this person who gave her the locket. Its the mark of her people. She then lets go..opens her arms to feel the breeze and remembers..She was and still is a strong woman..for she is the Queen of the North. The Pirate Queen of the North-