One my secrets inside my cynical heart

I'm gonna share one my secrets that I hide in this cynical heart of mine.

One of my fears is that the one I fall in love with will get tired of me and leave.

That's always been one of my fears. Even when I was going through my dating phase. I'm afraid that special someone will became another one on my list.
Will you be like one who led me on..and just hide and lie to me till this very day..
Or the one who kept breaking my heart with he'd go back to the past but in the rare case..we are still friends..
Or the one who broke my heart the most..who just stopped talking to me altogether with no reason why..
Or the others who only want my body..not my heart or soul..


With all that heartbreak I've turned cynical. You can say I'm stupid but sadly at the moment I believed. Even now when I'm thinking I'm ready if you pack up and leave..I'll be OK.

But that's when this fear creeps in..and I cry that you'll be just like the rest and prove to me once again..there's no such thing as love.

Just stuck

Feeling a little off as of late. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
A decision placed for me that could seem so small..but have such a big effect on one's life.

I'm speaking in riddles like a sphinx.
I'm hiding some of myself like a hermit crab.

I dunno what to do. I seem happy and strong but on the inside I'm dealing with sadness and the uncertainty of the outcome of my life.



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song of the day..or well..awhile LOL

This is song has been stuck in my head for a long time..but I love it..

Nothing more than strangers passing by, out on the street
Memories are fading though it's only been a week
All the little things are gone, the things we used to be
Nobody could take us down, there was only you and me

Loyalty is rare

I'm noticing a pattern..
In this day and age..it seems to be no surprise that..that in no matter how many relationships..there always is one that might have broken a soul or a trust for anybody else..I personally know at least a handful of my friends who have cheated or been cheated on.

LOYALTY is RARE! 

It's hard to find a person in this world..whom you know wont cheat on you. I know I'm not the most innocent but I know my loyalty and if I know I betrayed it in anyway..I'll leave and punish myself..

But believe me when I say I'm a loyal person. It takes a strong person to be loyal and not..lets just say..let an ex..or numerous guys fuck me! I'm a one guy kind of girl..even if I'm just seeing/hanging out/dating/BF&GF you..I'll stay true and wont be with anybody else..and that's honestly my choice..I like you for a reason. LOL THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO CHEAT! 

I remember at one time an ex and his gf at the time was accusing me of wanting to cheat with him while my bf was deployed..a bunch a bull fuckery if you ask me..all I wanted was to be friends at the time..and my bf knew what was going on..and unlike most girls when their other half is deployed..I stayed true and stuck it through..like I said I know my loyalty and I'm not trying to sound like I'm boosting because like I said I, too am not a perfect person. 

SORRY..I just wanted to vent..I feel like these people are damaging great people..who are now too afraid to let someone love them because of a betrayal that happened to them..

LOL Yea..and this song..is hella catchy! LOL

the O-turn

*Looking at the U-turn sign* "Is there such thing as a O-turn?" "Yea...for stupid people!" 

Now every time I see a U-turn sign..I think of one of many strange but funny convos I've had with this certain fellow! LOL

 "Hey! You wanna go somewhere else other than here?" "Like where?" "Hmm..lets go to the beach!" "At night?" LOL

post it notes..from my heart

I did something I don't ever do..I left a post it note hidden amongst the pages of a notebook..
With how confusing you are..
How you're grouchy and then sweet the next..
A post it confession..

I'm taking a chance...will you with me?

I always say...

Everything happens for a reason..good or bad..

Life is like the ocean..unpredictable..at one moment the ocean is calm..then the next..waves bigger than ever can appear..

All you have to learn is to keep on swimming..in the calm or the waves..

Right by my side

A song that's been stuck in my head for a bit..LOL

 It all comes down to this
I miss your morning kiss
I won’t lie, I’m feeling it
You don’t know, I’m missing it
I’m so dumb, I must admit
It’s too much to hold it in
I can’t say no more than this
I just hope your heart hear me now
Gotta let you know how I’m feeling
You own my heart, he just renting (P.S. no one is renting! LOL)
Don’t turn away, pay attention
I’m pouring out my heart oh, boy

Bed Peace

As I lay in bed slightly awake. Groggy..and pretty pissed..A friend called me early in the morning..awaking me from my slumber..Close to my wits end..the convo ends..and I attempt to go back to sleep..
I toss. I turn..Annoyed even more..I let out a frustrated groan. 

FUCK! 

Once I calm down..Take in a deep breath and sighed..I start to think and wonder..Hmm..Why can I sleep? I turn my body to the side.. a slight memory of being in a nest of blanket and pillow..and a strangely super warm body and his arm right above my head..A dark, quiet room..yet a bit of chaos is happening outside of it..A girl singing loudly..roosters crowing..an aunty yelling at somebody..I smiled..and remembered I've slept so deeply there in that bed..and that's rare! 

"I wish we were able to trade things like sleep! So you can sleep for me..and I can work all day and night.""I wouldn't mind..as long as I can sleep in your bed."