One my secrets inside my cynical heart

I'm gonna share one my secrets that I hide in this cynical heart of mine.

One of my fears is that the one I fall in love with will get tired of me and leave.

That's always been one of my fears. Even when I was going through my dating phase. I'm afraid that special someone will became another one on my list.
Will you be like one who led me on..and just hide and lie to me till this very day..
Or the one who kept breaking my heart with he'd go back to the past but in the rare case..we are still friends..
Or the one who broke my heart the most..who just stopped talking to me altogether with no reason why..
Or the others who only want my body..not my heart or soul..


With all that heartbreak I've turned cynical. You can say I'm stupid but sadly at the moment I believed. Even now when I'm thinking I'm ready if you pack up and leave..I'll be OK.

But that's when this fear creeps in..and I cry that you'll be just like the rest and prove to me once again..there's no such thing as love.

Lantern ceremony 2014

It was honestly my first time going to the lantern ceremony..and it was an awesome idea my dongsaeng had..

(FYI dongsaeng practically means younger brother in korean..and we aren't in any way romantically involved with eachother)

I wanted to put that out there..it seems like people be assuming that he's my bf..LOL..hes my little brother from another mother! LOL 

 It was a great experience! Granted it was very crowded but it was worth it.

The lanterns were so pretty..I wish I could've stayed till the dark..
Can't wait till next week..hehehehe

turning blond! LOL

This wasn't much of a surprise..my hair has been all kinds of colors before then..from black to red..even blue..

sorry this is the only pic I could find with my old orange-y blond hair...and so after some time..it got worse..to more orange-brown..I wasn't using too much toner in my hair..So my friend told me this lady does great hair...so I went over and turned into a leftover! LOL

She then worked her magic..and made my hair look AMAZING! I've never had my hair look so light..I love it!

I'm very tempted to just dye my whole head..I really love the color!

I shouldn't done it sooner!

deuces

A third time must be the charm for me..but at the same time I must be slightly stupid..or is this the forth time?

Thank goodness I knew your intentions and knew you'd do the same thing yet again to me..

Yet here I am hoping you'd change for the better..but you won't..because you seem too weak for it..

Thank goodness I didn't drop the guy I liked for someone who was "madly in love with me"..I believe you were confused and yet you go back to the same toxic person..believing it'll change..but it won't..like a moth to a flame..you'll get burned in the end..

I keep to my word..especially when I said if you go back..I won't be your friend again.

So here's good-bye..the final time..

deuces! 

The Perfect package????

feeling: Slightly confused

Well..for awhile now..more like for a year now..people have been asking about my love life and when I'm gonna find a BF, Get married, have kids..etc. etc. 

And when I tell them..well..I do like someone and we've been hanging out..its like go ahead and say" WHAT? HE DON'T WANT YOU TO BE HIS GF?? IS HE BLIND??" I just shrug and mumble "ohhh..i dunno...."

Not to mention..a good amount of family, friends alike like to say to me..I'm gonna put it in a list..LOL That:

-You're so beautiful/pretty why can't you find a BF? 

(Cause I'm not looking! gunfunit!)

-You're so mellow and not a jealous girl

(shrug)

-You're fun and you can hang out with the guys..you're like a tomboy but you still look like a girl

(shrug..beats me! LOL)

-You have such a great body!

(Thanks! Pizza diet! LOL)

The list can go on..but this girl can't remember all that was said to me..but these are the most..and the whole pretty part..does boost my ego a bit..but makes me question it too! LOL But I tell them..that they just saying that because they're my friends and family..but they apparently speak the truth not trying to make me feel better! LOL

But with that being said I do like someone..and lately I feel like Chuck from Good luck Chuck. Every guy I get involved with..they end up finding the girl they wanna settle down with..after me..LOL 

LOL..but I'll carry on..everything happens for a reason..and here's me with no make up being silly..

Oh yea, girl! thats how you get them! LOL

 

Loyalty is rare

I'm noticing a pattern..
In this day and age..it seems to be no surprise that..that in no matter how many relationships..there always is one that might have broken a soul or a trust for anybody else..I personally know at least a handful of my friends who have cheated or been cheated on.

LOYALTY is RARE! 

It's hard to find a person in this world..whom you know wont cheat on you. I know I'm not the most innocent but I know my loyalty and if I know I betrayed it in anyway..I'll leave and punish myself..

But believe me when I say I'm a loyal person. It takes a strong person to be loyal and not..lets just say..let an ex..or numerous guys fuck me! I'm a one guy kind of girl..even if I'm just seeing/hanging out/dating/BF&GF you..I'll stay true and wont be with anybody else..and that's honestly my choice..I like you for a reason. LOL THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO CHEAT! 

I remember at one time an ex and his gf at the time was accusing me of wanting to cheat with him while my bf was deployed..a bunch a bull fuckery if you ask me..all I wanted was to be friends at the time..and my bf knew what was going on..and unlike most girls when their other half is deployed..I stayed true and stuck it through..like I said I know my loyalty and I'm not trying to sound like I'm boosting because like I said I, too am not a perfect person. 

SORRY..I just wanted to vent..I feel like these people are damaging great people..who are now too afraid to let someone love them because of a betrayal that happened to them..

LOL Yea..and this song..is hella catchy! LOL

the O-turn

*Looking at the U-turn sign* "Is there such thing as a O-turn?" "Yea...for stupid people!" 

Now every time I see a U-turn sign..I think of one of many strange but funny convos I've had with this certain fellow! LOL

 "Hey! You wanna go somewhere else other than here?" "Like where?" "Hmm..lets go to the beach!" "At night?" LOL

post it notes..from my heart

I did something I don't ever do..I left a post it note hidden amongst the pages of a notebook..
With how confusing you are..
How you're grouchy and then sweet the next..
A post it confession..

I'm taking a chance...will you with me?

Bed Peace

As I lay in bed slightly awake. Groggy..and pretty pissed..A friend called me early in the morning..awaking me from my slumber..Close to my wits end..the convo ends..and I attempt to go back to sleep..
I toss. I turn..Annoyed even more..I let out a frustrated groan. 

FUCK! 

Once I calm down..Take in a deep breath and sighed..I start to think and wonder..Hmm..Why can I sleep? I turn my body to the side.. a slight memory of being in a nest of blanket and pillow..and a strangely super warm body and his arm right above my head..A dark, quiet room..yet a bit of chaos is happening outside of it..A girl singing loudly..roosters crowing..an aunty yelling at somebody..I smiled..and remembered I've slept so deeply there in that bed..and that's rare! 

"I wish we were able to trade things like sleep! So you can sleep for me..and I can work all day and night.""I wouldn't mind..as long as I can sleep in your bed."

Slightly off..and to be honest

Feeling: Slightly off



Lately I've been feeling slightly odd..a little more negative than normal..being a tad bit more sensitive..and quite honestly more vulnerable..


Its been one interesting weekend..and I've been so distracted with the chaos around me..I've forgotten how to look within myself to re-find my center..

I need to be alone..
I need time to myself..
and not worry about other people...

I do miss someone at the moment..

I do think about him quite often..I wonder if he thinks of me when he has the chance..A part of me wishes there wasn't this much distance..but I'm honestly somewhat used to it..if I did it before..I can definitely do it again..but it makes me wonder..What brought on this distance? 

Plus he doesnt need to worry about me hurting him..I'm not that kind of girl who plays games with your heart..

If I choose to like you..I chose you for a reason.

And right now I wish I was at the beach..but the weather sucks! 

 

Come in

Yeah, so many guys have been trying to impress you 
But they can't love you girl like I do 
So if you want me you've got me girl as long as this is love
And from then on girl I would never leave you 
Travel across the world yeah baby just to see you 
No matter where girl 
It don't matter where 

Loving this song for awhile..but its been stuck in my head..

Thinking about a certain someone..hehehe 

The chase

Sometimes one wants the chase..To chase something elusive like a sunset..Never to possibly obtained..

I personally love this picture for many reasons..I was very fortunate to capture it and have it come out the way it did..I wish I could have a beach day like this again..It was such a fun adventure.

Good morning

Feeling: TBH

I wish I could stay in the bed..all day..but sadly I cant..I had an awesome sleep..the night before I only had about 3-4 hours of sleep..So when I got home I crashed out once I laid down in my bed..but I did wake up at 3 in the morning..unsure why but its been a weird habit for me lately..

"If I could I would dream forever..if thats the only way for me to see you..Let me dream forever."

Don't let the darkness consume me..

Feeling: somewhat deep..

As of late I've been feeling very negative..kind of like a slow chaotic storm..all in my mind...some people would pay to see me like this..but whatevs..I dont quite care right now..

Normally it takes quite a bit for me to get to this state..and I'm not saying I have every right to act as such..I try to keep these things to a min..but there's some things you can't escape..

I just have to remember..

 That everything happens for a reason.

Dear no one..

feeling: Hmmmm..

I've known this song for awhile now..my sister introduced this song saying that this song is me..I love singing it in my car..LOL
 

My kind of music

Feeling: musical! LOL

Its kinda funny how I think the type of music I like..I remember growing up you kinda had to stuck to one type of music. You either liked rock or pop..R&B or classical. I know people have their preferance and stick to them..but for me music can create a mood or it brings back a certain memory. 

The music I have on my ipod totally ranges all over the place from kpop to edm to 80s rock..its all over..

so for experiments sake..I put my ipod on shuffle and will now list..the first 30 songs that come on..LOL

(side note my ipod has 989 songs total...and I'm i search of more music! LOL)

1.One Love- Bob Marley (Reggae)
2.Slow Jams- Kanye West, Twista ft Jamie Foxx (R&B) What the?? LOL Why do I still have this song! LOL
3.You Give Love a Bad Name- Bon jovi (80s rock)
4. Slide- Goo Goo dolls (pop/rock) One of my fave songs because it holds allot

 of good memories for me. 

5. Bartender- T-pain ft. Akon (R&B) 
6. When Can I See You Again- Babyface (R&B)
**Man! Why is it playing all my mushy gushy music?! LOL**
7. Alfie- Lilly Allen (pop)
8. Good to you- 2NE1 (Kpop)
9. Flat top- Goo Goo dolls (rock)
10. Stay the Night- Zedd ft. Hayley Williams of Paramore (edm) I love Hayley Williams! Her voice is amazing!
11. Skin- Rihanna (R&B) 
12.Crooked Smile- J Cole ft. TLC (rap?) LOL
13. Creep- TLC (R&B?) LOL TLC was my fave group growing up! LOL oh the 90's

14. Dammit- Blink-182 (Rock) 
15. Be With Me Tonight- Jay Park (R&B/ pop) He sings Kpop but he also sings english. He's one sexy man! LOL
16.Shining Star- The Manhattans (I dunno what to put this under!) LOL
17. Coming Home- Diddy ft. Skylar Grey (Rap)
18. Go On Girl- Ne-Yo (R&B)
19. Scars- Papa Roach (Rock)
20. Blue- BIGBANG (Kpop) 

 My Fave men of Kpop..esp. Taeyang! ^---^

21.Part Of Your World - Little Mermaid (soundtrack) LOL
22. Baby I love your way- UB40 (Reggae)
23. Come back Home- 2NE1 (Kpop/ Reggae/ edm) This song has all kinds of genre in it..its one of my fave songs atm.
24. Little things- Colbie Caillat (pop) 
25. The Scientist- Coldplay (rock/ pop) 
26. Celui- Colonel Reyel (French reggae/ pop)
27. Find You Panic City remix- Zedd (edm)
28. Dear No One- Tori Kelly (pop)
29. Eyes Wide Shut- JLS ft. Tinnie Tempah (pop/ dance)
30. Come in- The Green ft. Jacob Hemphill (Reggae/ Hawaiian)

oh the assortment of music..LOL 

300~

Well last night Isaac and I went to watch 300: Rise of an Empire..and I honestly had mixed feelings about watching it. I absolutely loved the first one and this one wasn't bad! 

I actually loved a certain character even though she was bad..and she's Artemisia! 

I honestly imagined a pirate queen to be like her..A woman leading in a man's world. Strong, sexy, and vicious. Not to mention I would definitely wear those outfits she wore in the movie! LOL 

She was also quite humorous as well. One of my fave lines is "You fight harder than you fuck." And of course that is to Themistocles. 

 Now this scene of the movie was quite raw and I loved how they were aggressive..Shrug. What can I say? LOL 

She was one badass character. 

After the movies Isaac and I went to DnBs to play games for a bit. I wanted to challenge him to a game. Considering shooting games are one of my faves..I decided for us to play the scary one. Now let me just say yea..we both got scared but talk about making ass of myself! I've played this game couple times before and my heart rate and my score was good..but when I played him, man..my heart rate was all over the place..the score was junk! LOL >_____< sooo sad! 

He then wanted me to play this block game which I suck at..not to mention he was watching closely at me the whole time..I only made 4 blocks! but him..LOL

 He almost made to 6/7! LOL GOSH! Then we went to play a trivia game and again he wins! My goodness..so to make myself feel better i bought this..LOL

He's so fluffy! I'm gonna die! LOL LOL

It was a good night! There seems to be allot of good movies coming out..I'm waiting for Divergent and Noah..and theres another but yea! 

Until then~

LOL..a thought

"There's a superstition that if you stare at the sun..you'll go blind!" "Ummmm..that's not a superstition. It's common sense."

A random memory of a conversation I had with this fellow in the pic. LOL

Bed peace- Jhene Aiko

I've been really loving this song lately..I wish I could stay in bed all day!

Granted she's talking about weed allot but this song has a good vibe to it..LOL 

Curled up with my head on your chest
It's the best remedy for the pain and the stress
If the world doesn't change then we'll never get dressed
It will be like this to the kiss of the death
Of my soul 

judge or be judged?

To be honest..

It's an everyday occurrence of judgement between friends, family, and strangers alike. Is it because it's second nature? Or because it could also be a defensive front? Judgement is thrown every where when it shouldnt be..kindness and understanding should! I may not be a perfect person but I do try to keep it a minimum.

I always think who am I to judge? Do I know their walk of life? Do I know their story and how they got here? 

But whose to say everyone is gonna think the same? I know there are people out there who are judging me right now as I write this. But do they know me? Will they give a chance to get to know me? The answer is most likely no. They judge me by how I look..how I dress..my past..and possibly my actions yet they dont know who I am. It's like I'm painted as this home wreaking villain when I'm not. All they know is the outward appearance and a "He said, She said" deal. Some people will go along the lines of just hating me because of the past. When we both know the past is well the past..unless of course you keep on living in the past. 

I am a human. Sometimes it bothers me..sometimes it doesnt. But I'm gonna put this out there..a chance if you will..if you want to get to know me..contact me..let me prove myself to you..if not..then you can continue judging me and playing ignorant it is all by your choice. I am a woman of my word.