The little things..

The little things are what keeping me afloat..
I honestly feel like drowning in this chaos..
To break down at any given second..
But remembering the little things..happy things that are keeping me afloat..

I need the beach, the ocean more than anything right now..

A hug from a certain someone would be awesome too..but I'm wondering..at what price?

Don't let the darkness consume me..

Feeling: somewhat deep..

As of late I've been feeling very negative..kind of like a slow chaotic storm..all in my mind...some people would pay to see me like this..but whatevs..I dont quite care right now..

Normally it takes quite a bit for me to get to this state..and I'm not saying I have every right to act as such..I try to keep these things to a min..but there's some things you can't escape..

I just have to remember..

 That everything happens for a reason.

The song ATM

Lots of Krewella lately..but when I first heard this song through a friend..it really stuck with me..cause we are only human. We can only handle so much. Some people can handle a little where as others can handle allot. 

I'm going through some things at the moment...family and what not. People dying..people ignoring..people not being there..and how scary it can be to tell someone how you feel and see whats gonna happen next..
But one has to remember that everything happens for a reason..
people are dying everyday..but God will release them from their pain..
people ignoring..they may be going through their own thing..and if they dont care about you..well..time to move on!
people not being there..same thing..people may have their own problems..but if they are doing it on purpose..then they arent your real friends..
The scariness of telling someone how you feel and what the outcome may be..at least you were honest with how you felt..instead of hiding it..everything happens for a reason..if it happens, it happens..if not..then thats ok..at least you laid the cards on the table.

 
 I am only human.
 

The return to the ocean..The pirate queen of the north.

Feeling: In the right place..

Today was an awesome day. It was a much needed day of an adventure. The funny thing is it was a last minute adventure. My friend Cencia wanted to go to the beach early in the morning..and she told me this at 9:30 pm ir maybe it was 10. LOL either way..we both went to sleep late but made an early journey to the north..and when I say early it was 7 am in the morning when she came to get me. 

Our first place (other than 711) was The Birthing stones..

 

It was a very peaceful place..although the next pics you're gonna see are quite questionable. LOL 

 If you look at all these pics..there's a greenish orb in it. Now at first I thought it was part of my lens from my camera but with the first pic you actually see part of the lens glare but the orb is in it. Also the orb moves.

Now this has given some friends and my family some "chicken-skin" Look at my hand in the first 2 pics ..if you look at the largest and last pic there's something hiding my hand. At first I honestly thought It was the glare but it isnt..but thats up to you to figure out what that could possibly be touching my hand!

We then preceded to 3 tables..North shore

Ohh..the sea how I missed you so!

 My friend Cencia leading the way.

The view

The pirate queen has returned to her domain

Then off we went to a beach in Kahuku..

  

We then drove back toward Mililani and she bought some coconuts! FYI That's one of my fave drinks..fresh, ice cold coconut water! Its the best and its good for you!

 We then took the scenic route back home..

  and of course we took pics here was well! LOL

 

Today like I said was a much needed day. The ocean is really calming to me and lets just say I've been needing it but I kept on putting it off. Just to smell the salty air..hear the waves..feel the sand and sea on my skin it brought me back. 

Talking with my friend she was saying..We are water babies..almost everyone who was born here is one.

We are tied to the ocean. Granted one can think that I can go to any beach and feel the same. It's similar but not the same. For example, I took my former friend to Waikiki beach at night. It was fun and somewhat calming. Had the smell of salt, sand and the ocean. Town has nice beaches but my heart, my soul belongs in the North shore. I was raised on the beaches of North shore. It has a different feel for me. 

So with that being said..I'm feeling renewed. 

Clarity. Peaceful and Happy! LOL

-Hard, sharp rocks poke at her feet as she climbs toward the ledge. She smells the salty air and closes her eyes and murmurs " I am home." Hands grasp the wet, cold rock pulling herself up and up to the ledge. She gazes out onto the horizon. A blanket of shades of blue and caps of white. The sounds of waves crashing into the rocks. This is my home. This is my soul. This is my domain. She thought as a smirk shows on her face. She climbs down with grace and walks onto the sand..walking toward the ocean..letting the water raise up to her legs. Touching the water with her finger tips. The sea is calling to her soul. Calming it with each wave that touches her. She grasps a locket she has around her neck. Like a reminder of the hurt and sadness. The reason..this person who gave her the locket. Its the mark of her people. She then lets go..opens her arms to feel the breeze and remembers..She was and still is a strong woman..for she is the Queen of the North. The Pirate Queen of the North-  

stuck in the mud

The girl exclaiming to her close friend "Why is it taking me so long to move on from this friendship? I feel like I'm stuck in the mud..and he somehow got out and walked off..leaving me behind." Her friend sighed and said "It takes time..The only reason he got out was because he had her..his stick to help him out..if you had ** here..he would help you out of the mud." "But I dont want to rely on a stick or anyone to help me out of the mud. I should try to get out myself." the girl said strongly. Her friend laughed and said "Then it goes back to..it takes time. You cant just turn off your feelings. You care too much! You're too good to people who just treat you badly!" The girl sighed..she knew her friend was right. " I know I do. I'd rather give happiness cause thats how I want to fulfill my life. To be there for someone when no one else is. Now, isnt that a true friend?"

"Yes..But you know there's a small path in that mud..to get you out..its gonna take time..its gonna be hard..but I'm here to help you."

The Vapors - Jhene Aiko

Walking through the smoke and mirrors, I'm burdened, you burning bridges Memories fading faded it help you not to remember


Its amazing how a person thinks that they can just delete the pictures, the things they shared with someone..but there's one thing you cant delete..your memories.

something found and something lost..

feeling: Meh

I've lost a friend today but what can you do. I'm glad he's figured out what he wants..but within the same token..I'm afraid what the outcome may be. But one must not dwell in the choices people make for themselves. Its their life not your's.

At the same time..he wanted to be lost. Which led me having a good heart to heart with Chucky. I woke him by calling him. I was honestly a tad bit upset..and the all knowing Chucky simply said "You knew this was going to happen? Why werent you prepared?" I told him I simply had no time.

"Are you gonna continue letting this person do this to you? Cut you off then bring you back again? You're too nice. Once a person cuts a cord..its done. They've let you fall. You cant just fall and be brought back up!" 

Chucky always knows how to make things stick with me. I later told him. When he has a girlfriend and she makes him chose..He'll have to chose her. 

Chucky:...ha!
Shana: You aren't gonna are you?
Chucky: Nope! Cause if she truly cared and loved me..She wouldnt make me chose! 
Shana:I'd chose you too! 

Although Chucky and I are exes..I'm starting to see that..not everybody is like us..every relationship is different. But even though we may not be together..we simply want the best for each other..support each other..and if my future BF cant handle that Chucky and I are friends..STRICTLY friends! Cause Chucky is apart of me..and still is my best friend. Then I'll find..(hopefully) someone who will accept that! 

I'm totally going off of tangent but I have allot to thank for him. He's opened my eyes to so many things. He never judges me and hasn't let me down. 
Although there was one time he judged me.

"If the wildebeest goes and explores and plays with the lions. Be prepared to get bit in the ass!" 

So back to my friend. I'm sad and accepting. 7-8 years gone..but I'm sure it'll be worth it. I'm sorry I cant be there this time around..but I honestly feel like its gonna be a constant cycle..which should break if you two..(I say two because everybody deserves to find someone just for them.) To find the right ones for you. 

It takes a strong person to let go. You know I know this personally. Before Chucky and I relationship ended..we were together for almost 7 years. But to walk away and let go..you need support too. I was lucky to have Chucky..because he knew he couldnt give me the things I wanted he still supported me. He wanted me to find someone better. 

So best of luck to you, Pirate King of the south. 
Just remember Winter is Coming! So when you see those black flags on your horizon. This Pirate Queen of the north is taking over.