The reason why I'm so cynical (a post..I've never put up)

I wrote this post about a year ago..I'm unsure why I didnt put it up. At the time I honestly lost my heart and slightly became a heartless, broken woman. I felt bitter and alone..but almost right after I wrote this I woke myself again..I believed I most love myself before one can love me..

So enjoy! LOL 


I honestly don't believe in love any more.
Too many times I've been hurt..I've told a guy how I felt..and well scare the shit out of them..have them take advantage of my body and heart..having to believe..no hope that we'll eventually be a couple..like how I see people run around with their other halfs..but be left broken..but once I put myself together..the more cynical I become..

Fuck this thing called feelings..Fuck liking someone..Fuck love...

I had a guy at one point in my life..treat me like a GF couple times only to have him run back to his ex..come back the 3rd to try to win me back..by that time I've become cynical..Fuck getting hurt again by the same guy..only to hear that he might go back for her..Lord knows how many times..now I'm starting to think that being cynical saved my ass from getting hurt but I was wrong..I didnt protect my heart from another guy..to only be tossed aside..Ah yes, Shana. You are quite the stupid, naive girl..thinking this guy is different..but nope..heart broken again..

In the midst of my heart getting crushed again..my friends..co-workers..walk pass me with their loves..smiling..not realizing that I'm trying to reach out to them..yet no one notices my out reached hand..tears running down my face..I yell to grab their attention but no avail..

So in this world full of people..everybody has somebody..where as me..

I'm alone..

and I don't fucking care anymore..

I'm taking my heart and burying it somewhere..

Somewhere...where no one can find it..

Not even me..

turning blond! LOL

This wasn't much of a surprise..my hair has been all kinds of colors before then..from black to red..even blue..

sorry this is the only pic I could find with my old orange-y blond hair...and so after some time..it got worse..to more orange-brown..I wasn't using too much toner in my hair..So my friend told me this lady does great hair...so I went over and turned into a leftover! LOL

She then worked her magic..and made my hair look AMAZING! I've never had my hair look so light..I love it!

I'm very tempted to just dye my whole head..I really love the color!

I shouldn't done it sooner!