One my secrets inside my cynical heart

I'm gonna share one my secrets that I hide in this cynical heart of mine.

One of my fears is that the one I fall in love with will get tired of me and leave.

That's always been one of my fears. Even when I was going through my dating phase. I'm afraid that special someone will became another one on my list.
Will you be like one who led me on..and just hide and lie to me till this very day..
Or the one who kept breaking my heart with he'd go back to the past but in the rare case..we are still friends..
Or the one who broke my heart the most..who just stopped talking to me altogether with no reason why..
Or the others who only want my body..not my heart or soul..


With all that heartbreak I've turned cynical. You can say I'm stupid but sadly at the moment I believed. Even now when I'm thinking I'm ready if you pack up and leave..I'll be OK.

But that's when this fear creeps in..and I cry that you'll be just like the rest and prove to me once again..there's no such thing as love.

The reason why I'm so cynical (a post..I've never put up)

I wrote this post about a year ago..I'm unsure why I didnt put it up. At the time I honestly lost my heart and slightly became a heartless, broken woman. I felt bitter and alone..but almost right after I wrote this I woke myself again..I believed I most love myself before one can love me..

So enjoy! LOL 


I honestly don't believe in love any more.
Too many times I've been hurt..I've told a guy how I felt..and well scare the shit out of them..have them take advantage of my body and heart..having to believe..no hope that we'll eventually be a couple..like how I see people run around with their other halfs..but be left broken..but once I put myself together..the more cynical I become..

Fuck this thing called feelings..Fuck liking someone..Fuck love...

I had a guy at one point in my life..treat me like a GF couple times only to have him run back to his ex..come back the 3rd to try to win me back..by that time I've become cynical..Fuck getting hurt again by the same guy..only to hear that he might go back for her..Lord knows how many times..now I'm starting to think that being cynical saved my ass from getting hurt but I was wrong..I didnt protect my heart from another guy..to only be tossed aside..Ah yes, Shana. You are quite the stupid, naive girl..thinking this guy is different..but nope..heart broken again..

In the midst of my heart getting crushed again..my friends..co-workers..walk pass me with their loves..smiling..not realizing that I'm trying to reach out to them..yet no one notices my out reached hand..tears running down my face..I yell to grab their attention but no avail..

So in this world full of people..everybody has somebody..where as me..

I'm alone..

and I don't fucking care anymore..

I'm taking my heart and burying it somewhere..

Somewhere...where no one can find it..

Not even me..

Just stuck

Feeling a little off as of late. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
A decision placed for me that could seem so small..but have such a big effect on one's life.

I'm speaking in riddles like a sphinx.
I'm hiding some of myself like a hermit crab.

I dunno what to do. I seem happy and strong but on the inside I'm dealing with sadness and the uncertainty of the outcome of my life.



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Hmm a bit confused

Sometimes when I have time to myself.
I think of you.
I'm confused why you cloud my mind. Visit me in my dreams.
You confused me from day one.
We weren't even together for long but yet you still linger..

hey hey!

It's been awhile..

I've been busy with work..and just hanging out with my friends..

Amongst other  things..

 These two was taken back in July..I did a photoshoot with one of my good friends on IG ( asian_impressions) I've been following him since I started IG same for him as well..he's such an artist. The Pics came out so pretty. I'll have to put it up some time later..LOL

 Snapchat shenanigans! LOL

 Then it was exploring the north shore with a good friend of mine..

 Also went hiking Waianae side..they came out funny looking cause of the camera setting on my phone.LOL

 Isn't the view beautiful?

 Also got some visits from an old friend and of course..my chub chubs!

Sorry I havent been on for so long..I'm still hit by the passing of my grammy but as you can see..I'm taking it day by day!

A slight pain in my heart

Well..lets just say..it's been one crazy week..I'm still in some shock about my great grandma passing..but I'm happy that she's not suffering anymore..

I miss her tremendously and always will..

I honestly suck at writing meaningful words..but I think no words can describe the pain I have..

Rest in Love Grammy!

I'll love you always..

It's been awhile

It's been a long while.. I've been working allot but also going to the beach.
I just recently had a photo meet up with my good friend!  Here's one of the photos.

I'll write some more later.

Until then

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