Thursday, October 22, 2015

One my secrets inside my cynical heart

I'm gonna share one my secrets that I hide in this cynical heart of mine.

One of my fears is that the one I fall in love with will get tired of me and leave.

That's always been one of my fears. Even when I was going through my dating phase. I'm afraid that special someone will became another one on my list.
Will you be like one who led me on..and just hide and lie to me till this very day..
Or the one who kept breaking my heart with he'd go back to the past but in the rare case..we are still friends..
Or the one who broke my heart the most..who just stopped talking to me altogether with no reason why..
Or the others who only want my body..not my heart or soul..

With all that heartbreak I've turned cynical. You can say I'm stupid but sadly at the moment I believed. Even now when I'm thinking I'm ready if you pack up and leave..I'll be OK.

But that's when this fear creeps in..and I cry that you'll be just like the rest and prove to me once again..there's no such thing as love.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

The reason why I'm so cynical (a post..I've never put up)

I wrote this post about a year ago..I'm unsure why I didnt put it up. At the time I honestly lost my heart and slightly became a heartless, broken woman. I felt bitter and alone..but almost right after I wrote this I woke myself again..I believed I most love myself before one can love me..

So enjoy! LOL 

I honestly don't believe in love any more.
Too many times I've been hurt..I've told a guy how I felt..and well scare the shit out of them..have them take advantage of my body and heart..having to hope that we'll eventually be a how I see people run around with their other halfs..but be left broken..but once I put myself together..the more cynical I become..

Fuck this thing called feelings..Fuck liking someone..Fuck love...

I had a guy at one point in my life..treat me like a GF couple times only to have him run back to his ex..come back the 3rd to try to win me that time I've become cynical..Fuck getting hurt again by the same guy..only to hear that he might go back for her..Lord knows how many I'm starting to think that being cynical saved my ass from getting hurt but I was wrong..I didnt protect my heart from another only be tossed aside..Ah yes, Shana. You are quite the stupid, naive girl..thinking this guy is different..but nope..heart broken again..

In the midst of my heart getting crushed pass me with their loves..smiling..not realizing that I'm trying to reach out to them..yet no one notices my out reached hand..tears running down my face..I yell to grab their attention but no avail..

So in this world full of people..everybody has somebody..where as me..

I'm alone..

and I don't fucking care anymore..

I'm taking my heart and burying it somewhere..

Somewhere...where no one can find it..

Not even me..

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Just stuck

Feeling a little off as of late. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
A decision placed for me that could seem so small..but have such a big effect on one's life.

I'm speaking in riddles like a sphinx.
I'm hiding some of myself like a hermit crab.

I dunno what to do. I seem happy and strong but on the inside I'm dealing with sadness and the uncertainty of the outcome of my life.

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Saturday, February 7, 2015

Hmm a bit confused

Sometimes when I have time to myself.
I think of you.
I'm confused why you cloud my mind. Visit me in my dreams.
You confused me from day one.
We weren't even together for long but yet you still linger..